Numb
by Koboldlord
Summary: The flashback from S01E8 "The Moth" when Charlie starts using drugs. Charlie's POV. What was running through his mind when he took that first douse of Heroin. One Shot. Complete.


I was more than angry at Liam this time, I was furious. We are Drive Shaft! Drive Shaft! We're the biggest name in British Rock! And our bloody lead singer missed yet another sound check and rehearsal!

Liam, in addition to being my brother, was the band's lead singer. Without him we couldn't perform. In the early days he was bloody fantastic, full of talent! But Liam had problems, he was into the ladies, even more than I was, I tried to fight those urges, Liam didn't care. He drank excessively much more than the average Brit, and I was certain he was using. I'd seen him after a show once, going into a private room with some broad, and a packet of something I wasn't able to see fully, but It had to be drugs. Liam acted buzzed for the rest of the evening.

When we'd started the band years ago, I made Liam promise that if things got too crazy I could tell Liam that we were done and we'd drop everything. I was fast coming to a realization that that day had finally arrived.

I had to fight my way through a mob of fans, reporters and sycophants to reach the backstage. The door was closed of course, we had an hour until Show time and Liam was probably drinking himself into a stupor.

I threw open the door and wasn't disappointed. There were about five girls backstage, two of them sitting on a couch with him, snuggling either side of his face. Everyone had a brew, the girls were drinking from glasses but Liam had a full bottle in his hand, judging the number of empty bottles on the floor that wasn't his first.

"Hey Baby brother!" He called to me, gesturing at the unattended women, "Grab a bird and beer and sit down!"

I looked at the lead woman and told her simply, "Get out." She looked at me blankly, like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. "Get out!" I yelled at her, "All of you out, now!"

The girls on the couch looked at Liam for confirmation, unsure of what to do. He whispered something to them and waved them away. The girls all departed leaving me alone with Liam. My brother leaned back on the couch, a stupid grin on his face.

"Sound check?" I asked him angrily, getting right to the point.

"Wha?" Liam asked me, not quite getting through to what I was getting at.

"You missed Sound check, again." I was in the mood now, "You never show up for rehearsal and we've got a show in an hour!"

"Oo, a show!" Liam said sarcastically, rising from the couch, brew in his hand, "I like shows.," He headed over the the mirror he used for pre-show prep work on his hair and face. He looked very intoxicated and very out of it.

Liam bent over the counter, grabbing a small packet off of it. It was full of the brown-green drug, heroin I figured, that he no longer even bothered to hide he was using. The sight of my brother, this guy I cared about no matter how he acted, just destroying himself with this reckless style of living was too much for me to bear. I made my decision.

"Alright," I said to Liam quietly, "After tonight we cancel the rest of the tour." Liam looked up from the counter, his hand over his nose, more of the powder in his hand.

"What?" He asked me in a sharp tone of voice, not looking at all pleased by the news.

"We walk way," I repeated, reminding him of that promise he'd made me all those years ago. Back in the old days when he smiled at me, told me I was Drive Shaft, a Rock God, encouraged me, loved me like the brother I was. Those days seemed so distant now.

"Are you off your 'ead?" He asked me venomously, his British accent sounding stronger in his angry and intoxicated state.

"We're walking away like we said we would if..." I raised my voice, yelling at him now. I was trying to break through to the brother I loved so much.

"Walk away and go where?" He interrupted, sounding furious at my order.

"Liam!" I cried at him, my concern for my brother coming out in my pleas, "You're killing yourself with this junk! You're destroying Drive Shaft!"

"I am Drive Shaft!" He roared in my face. I stopped cold, my mind backpedaling, a blank look on my face. "No one even knows who the sodding Bass Player is!" He screamed at me, his rant continuing. "This is it Charlie, end of the rainbow," he said, his tone lower but the same anger in his voice. "You really think you can walk away? Then what eh?" He asked me in a very quite, angry voice, "If you're not in this band, what bloody use are you?" He sounded like he meant it.

My vision became blurry as my eyes welled up with tears, Liam stormed away from me, taking a swig as he did so, not looking back. "Liam!" I called after him, imploring him to return, to talk this through with me.

"Bug off!" was my only reply as he slammed the door.

Tears began to drip down my face, tracing paths down my chin. I felt like a donkey had kicked my heart right out of my chest. My brother, hated me. I loved him, like a brother should, I wanted him to be alright but he didn't care. He thought I was useless. The pain in my chest was so real, my mind wrapped in agony.

Aimlessly I staggered over to Liam's prep station and sat in his chair. My tears were rolling off my chin and landing on the counter top with little splashes. I glazed at myself in the mirror, I looked terrible, just like I felt.

My hands fell to the counter top, brushing across the little plastic package. I picked it up and gazed at it. The contents looked at me longingly. The drug promising swift relief from the very real pain in my chest and heart. I turned away from it, fought the urge to give in. Until the black pit of despair came crashing down on me, crushing my fragile spirit.

Liam, hated me, hated me. I picked up the heroin and then tentatively opened the packet. Pouring a little bit into my hand I raised it to my nose and inhaled.

The drug did its work magnificently, dulling everything around me. I'd rather be numb than feel the pain I felt. I took another sniff and soon I was blissfully unaware of my life's troubles, of my own pain. But not matter how much of the drug I took it would never truly dull the pain. I knew that a piece of my heart would always hurt with the memory of my brother's hatred. Even so I took another sniff and then the whole world went white...


End file.
